EIGHTEEN DAYS taken off of work to “help me recover” because of my scheduled knee surgery. A very thoughtful, kind gesture, right? When I canceled the knee replacement surgery because my knee isn’t in excruciating pain, I SAID… don’t take the time off of work! Tell them to put you back into the schedule but no, I was told it would be a “vacation”. This was a month before the scheduled time-off; was a “vacation” planned? No, that would have been “my job” to plan. That is what has always happens… I “plan” vacations.
My “plan”… I have enough on my plate! I have a new puppy to train. I have a donkey I am training. I have “my work”. Oh suggestions were made… We could do what we once used to do completely forgetting that although I’m not going to get knee surgery now, it isn’t like my knee(s) are “great”. I can’t do what we once used to do. Forced to relive my “limits”, that is the only thing offered… To live in the past being reminded of what I can no longer do (or shouldn’t do if I don’t want to have to reschedule that knee surgery immediately!)
I explain the things “on my plate”. My “priorities”. I get a blank stare. EVERY DAY is the same… I re-explain MY priorities and then interrupted to “plan” what he should do. I can’t be sure those things are done. I stop what I’m doing to “supervise”. I bend, lift, twist knowing it is going to hurt me to keep him focused on what HE should be doing. It’s exhausting!
Walking through the house “picking up piles” normally takes me an hour or two every day. Now, it is a constant activity. Various activities started; piles left over to sort and put away afterwards. Asking for help and the piles are seen. I’m told they are “okay” so I resign myself to bend, lift, twist and pick them up myself. Gone is the focus on MY priorities. For what will he do if I’m not directly present? I just can’t be sure a project will be finished or tools put away. I can’t be sure more piles won’t be created?
Day after day this happens. Things suggested require me to stop what I’m doing to do those suggested things. They can’t be done without my presence. My physical presence overseeing his suggestions; so we can be “together”. If I say “no” to those suggestions, they are forgotten. They just aren’t done if I am not there to make them happen. I definitely need to be present to make sure things are put away; that a job is finished. To repeat the objective… over and over again!
More piles to sort through. Less time for the things I want to do. More time spent talking about what he COULD do but won’t get done unless I’m physically presnt to guide him into doing them. He just doesn’t have “time”. My anxiety builds; I’m now having nightmares every night. When will this be over? I ask for “space”; for some time “alone”. That results in even more “clinginess”; even more smothering. I’m being suffocated… slowly but surely!
An hour reprieve… I think I’ll take a shower by myself. A chance to NOT have to repeat the same things yet again that are ignored because they don’t include him. Instead, I see the “piles”… work that needs doing, bills that need paying, the kitchen that needs cleaning. Laundry that needs folding… Some vacation!
One more day and work will “schedule” his time for him. Then, I can focus on the things that are important to me. I can hardly wait!
- To train my puppy; to spend time with my dogs
- To spend time/train my doneky
- To be able to water my plants in peace
- To focus on my work
- To connect with friends
- To have the space to breathe!